There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.