How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.