What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.