A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.