What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.