Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.