So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.