Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.