Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket