There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.