Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.