Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.