I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)