My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.