Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing