Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.