What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.