Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.