I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."