What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.