A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.