There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.