There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!