My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.