It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?