I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.