“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”