It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst