I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.