Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.