What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.