What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys