Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.