How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.