What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.