Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.