There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.