There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.