The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Knock knock.
Come in.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.