Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"