My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.