Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.