What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose