Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.