If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!