Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.