If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.