It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)