It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers