What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.