Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.