You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.