Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.