Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

I think, therefore I’m single.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi