One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”