The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?