There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)