Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.