You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.