What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.