What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.