Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.