Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.