What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!