There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.