Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.