It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.