I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."