Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.