Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!