It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.