The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.