There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.