Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.