It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?