Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.