What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.