Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.