"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".