Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!