What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”