People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.