How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas