After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.