Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”