If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they