Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
You know what they say? Words.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.