My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...