An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.