What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.