On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.