A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.