Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.