Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"