A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.