My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.