Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!