There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper