How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?