My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."