What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years