Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
I think, therefore I’m single.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming