There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.