Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.