What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.