Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.