If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.