Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.