It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.