If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.