I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!