"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.