A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”