There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!