A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.