It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.