I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.