Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.