I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.