What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Knock knock.
Come in.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.