What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.