A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.