I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)