Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Knock knock.
Come in.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.