What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.