What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.