There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.