It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.