A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.