Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.