It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.