My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.