The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.