I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.