Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.