A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.