Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.