It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.