What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.