It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.