When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."