My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.