Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."