I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.