Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.