You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.