I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?