How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.