Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.