Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.