Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.