How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.