If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.