A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.