What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."