"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.