Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I bet you I could stop gambling.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.