You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.