You know what they say? Words.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.