What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!