I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.