Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.