A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"