A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.