Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)