What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!